Luckiest Girl Alive

Honestly, I tend to lap up everything that has Mila Kunis in it so, when Netflix gave me the option of watching this new release called Luckiest Girl Alive, I did not waste any time on a perfect Friday evening to see what’s instore for me.

The movie is an adaptation of a novel by Jessica Knoll which was published in 2015 and was a New York Times bestselling mystery novel. I haven’t read the book but, I believe the book version is always better than the movie. A writer narrates a story to YOU directly through a novel. The movies we see are the perception of the story by another person, their understand of the essence of the story, and their take on what the writer wanted to say. So, my review is only of the movie and its not a comment on the novel, the story in the novel or the writer.

Coming back to the movie, best part about watching it was, I had zero clue what it was about and that is a rare thing to happen given the social media influence/interference in our day to day lives. I knew Mila Kunis was promoting a movie, but somehow with the past few weeks being hectic, I never paid much attention to the movie’s storyline.

The movie is a bit sharp around its edges and it’s not all rosy and bright and happy. The initial half of the movie seemed a bit botchy with the past and the present reference of the main character not seamed smoothly. There were moments when I felt the movie was borderline ugly but then, is trauma, anger and grief ever not ugly? As the story unfolded, the “ugliness” that I initially felt made more and more sense. When grief or sadness or human complexities are showcased on screen, more often than not, they are sugarcoated, painted in lovely pastels and seem like a beautiful journey. The reality in fact, is very different. Life isn’t sugarcoated so, why should a raw story be?

I might be biased but Mila’s acting was on point. She always manages to give the characters she portrays a little bit of herself and as an audience, that’s the thing that clicks. Ani FeNelli is flawed, to an extent scary and human. As the movie progressed, I started seeing the pattern behind her chaos, her layers behind the persona she had so diligently created and by the time the movie ends, she became someone I could understand, relate to and empathize with.

Connie Britton did justice to the role given to her. That being said, Ani’s mother’s character could do with a few more layers added to her character resulting in some more depth and insight on the mother-daughter relationship.

I was a bit disappointed on seeing Scoot McNairy so grossly underutilized. I did not know he was a part of this movie so, I was surprised, happy and then disappointed. In that order. An actor of his caliber deserves something more meaty.

Finn Wittrock portrayed the role of Ani’s rich and perfect fiancé, Luke Harrison. The focus in the movie wasn’t on him so, as an actor, Finn couldn’t leave a mark but, in the looks department, he passes with distinction.

The movie touched some very important issues like gun violence in high schools, rape, how society treats the victims, how victims feel about coming out with their truth, how school politics work, how money and social standing plays an important role in forming believable public opinion and how sometimes the closest ones fail to support and be there for the victims. However, the movie could only touch these issues. A little bit more depth and attention to them could have made the movie and the storyline stronger.

It’s a movie I’d remember, for sure. It’s also a movie I wouldn’t watch again. Not because of the heavy subject matter but, because it’s a movie which could have been something brilliant but missed it’s mark. Not a bad movie and not a brilliant one either. Watch it for the sake of watching a story and watching something that borderline nudges you to make you think about the flaws in our society.

Someday, the silence would scream

I work in the social sector. The organisation I work for, works in the field of education for the underprivileged children in the semi-rural outskirts of Jaipur. Apart from training teachers, community interventions, preparing material for teacher trainings, my favourite part is, working with the adolescents, especially, girls.

The community where we have our schools in, most of the children come from households which are not from an affluent section of the society. The area is semi-rural with very blurred lines, not defining where the urban college campus or that posh society ends and the village hamlets with cattle and mud walled houses begin.

The thing about these areas is, you travel 1 km from the core of a hamlet, and you would hit a café or a “meeting joint” for the university kids and see a world in contrast to the world inside these hamlets.

The girls and boys I interact with come from them. They know what WhatsApp is, they know what Facebook is, they see their older cousins especially boys having profiles there, they see TV channels and see dance videos, they KNOW all the dance steps, they see the college and university kids around their areas, they see the girls and boys of these colleges and universities interacting freely, moving around on bikes. They see all of that. And then they realize this parallel world that they see, this freedom that they see is so close and yet so far from their reach.

When I started working in Digantar 5 years ago, I came in at a time when we were facing severe funding crunch. So, I was teaching, fund raising as well as representing the organization on different forums, traveling for the same, engaged in teacher workshops etc.

The 10^th and 12^th standard girls had their board exams a few months later and I was preparing them for English.

Since our schools are very different from mainstream schools (no punishments, democratic environment, freedom of speech, no competition, etc), I enjoyed my classes with these secondary and senior secondary groups. The girls were initially super curious to know more about me, about how was I “allowed” to wear jeans, about how was I “allowed” to live in a different state than my husband and work, how I was “allowed” to travel so much. They genuinely wanted to know.

Initially, the questions made me uncomfortable and I couldn’t answer them properly but, in a few days, I understood that to them, to these girls, I represented the world that they see every single day and yet, are not a part of.

Slowly, we all opened up to one another. I became their confidant, I became the person who would start music so that they could show me the latest dance moves, I became the person they would discuss their family problems with, I became the person they discussed the latest hairstyles with. But, before all of this, of course, like all teenagers, they tested me. They tested my patience, they tested me by asking me questions, personal ones, about my life, my relationships etc. I obliged and every day after finishing off our work, we would all just sit and talk. They wanted to know, and I wanted to tell them all I could.

Once a girl asked me : Didi, how do I become like you?

She wasn’t talking about my clothes or my behavior or my haircut. She was asking about the freedom that they saw me exercising in my life.

It took me a few moments to gather my thoughts and I told them they could be anything they want if they study hard and are able to stand on their own two feet.

We spent the next 5-6 months studying, discussing music, movies, religions, countries, history, books, college life, boyfriends, beliefs and then, they gave their exams.

One of the happiest moments of my work life is the day when their board results were announced. They all did very well. I was on cloud nine. I did a moonwalk from the computer room where I checked their results to where the rest of the group of teachers were sitting.

At the time when I was teaching them, they were 14-17 year olds. About 70% of these girls were married. They weren’t yet sent to their husband’s house (gauna, in Rajasthan) but they were married.

I remember two girls vividly from that time.

One of them loved to dance. She was in 12^th at the time. She told me her dream was to become a dancer. She was also engaged in her 12^th standard and was to get married right after her last exam. She had dreams. She had planned everything. She had found out there was a college near her in law’s place where she’d be moving post marriage and her fiancé had promised her that he would “allow” her to complete her graduation. For the dancing part, he had convinced her that she could dance all that she wanted to in front of him. She giggled when she spoke about it to me. Her eyes sparkled when she told me about her plans. She seemed full of dreams and her dreams looked reachable to her.

Though I smiled at the time, I knew this would end very differently.

About one year after her sending-off-to-in-law’s ceremony, I met her. Since we as an organisation have a very close relationship with the community, we had gone to a wedding in the community where this girl too, had come. She was in her 3^rd trimester of pregnancy. The husband had told her he would not allow her to study further because his mother didn’t approve of it. I asked her how was she doing. Somehow, I couldn’t see the spark in her eyes anymore. Her eyes didn’t light up at the mention of dance or college. She knew, that ship had sailed. At age 18.

The second girl I remember is for the sheer nightmares that she gave me. This one was a monkey disguised as a human. She climbed trees, played all the time, had attention span of 5 minutes. 7, if she pitied me and was plain brilliant. She remembered things, she did her work in 1/4^th time all of them were given, was very active and chirpy. She was a walking talking energyball. She was in 10^th when I taught her. She had plans to study further.

After exams, about 2 months later, I heard she had gotten married because her elder sister was also of “marriageable age” and so, they both were married to two brothers. I still have a hard time accepting that that bundle of energy got married and had a child within 1 year of her marriage. At age 17.

I never met her again. She got married into a family that doesn’t live in this community, so I don’t come across her in weddings or festivals. I sometimes think it’s good that I haven’t met her again. To see her in a reality very different to what she dreamt of and deserves, is not something I think I would be able to handle.

I often wonder, what went on in both these girls’ minds when their families pressurized them to get married? At what point exactly did they accept that their dreams would never be fulfilled? Have they made peace with this reality? Yet?

I do not know the answers. I don’t think even they know these answers.

Some of the girls from that batch did go on to do their graduation and then masters. About 4 girls out of 22 did their graduation and 1 is pursuing masters. I meet some of them every now and then either in the community or when they come to meet us in the school.

It’s always a nostalgia, meeting them, talking to them. After all, they were my first batch of students. Though I taught them English, I sometimes wonder how much they taught me about life.

They surprised me with their understanding of things, their clarity of thought, their problem-solving skills, their warmth and later, their painfully loud silence.

Social change and change in mindsets take generations. When my parents started working in this community, the girls were not sent to school post age 9. The first time they went from door to door to ask the families to send their girls to school, my parents kept a condition that they would admit boys only when their sisters would also come to the school. Things are changing. In my 5 years’ experience, from 70% of the girls being married in the 10^th and 12^th class to hardly any girl married that early is what I am seeing. Change is happening, a lot of girls who were stopped from studying are now adamant mothers making sure their daughters get the education they deserve.

Social change doesn’t come from the happy and comfortable section of the society. Be it in context to gender or socio-economic status. Social change comes from the section that faces injustice to the limit where they start questioning the “fate” written for them by the rest of the society. In the larger scheme of things, social change comes when too many dreams shatter silently resulting in one powerful cry of rebellion. I would like to think none of the girls who saw their dreams shatter, saw that happening without any purpose. I would like to believe some day, when it’s their time, they would scratch this wound open and gather the courage to break the cycle. Today, it didn’t make a sound when their dreams shattered but tomorrow, it’d be a part of a deafening cry. I would like to believe that.

Half Truths & Media Trials

The time we live in today sees an enormous amount of social media influence on a common person’s perceptions. There are also diverse ways in which people can choose to influence others. I mean, the term “social media influencers” has never before even existed. The influence could be good or bad, which we would discuss towards the end of the article. Right now, let’s leave it at that.

Below, I will be discuss some incidents which are right now the “in” topics of discussion on almost all social media platforms, and also news channels. It saddens me deeply that I have to include news agencies in the same sentence as social media platforms but, as a common person, I am left with no other choice.

1. Sushant Singh Rajput

Sushant Singh Rajput left this world on 14^th June 2020. It was a Sunday. I was in the kitchen baking something when I was told about the news. I saw the news, sat on the sofa and caught words like “depression” “suicide” “hung himself” flashing across the news channels. I wasn’t a diehard fan of Sushant’s. In fact, I have seen just one movie of his. I liked his work. He reminded me of what hard work looks like and how achieving recognition and earning a name looks like. After his demise, came the wave of information about who Sushant was, as a person, as a human being. He was interested in the mysteries of space, he owned an expensive telescope that took him and his imagination to places. He was a regular guy. Curious, hardworking, young, with dreams and ambitions. I liked him more as a person when all this information about him poured in. This, I would call the first wave of information that came in in Sushant Singh Rajput’s case.

The second wave had left many of us in shock. A lot of Bollywood celebrities, directors, actors etc came forward by narrating the stories of their struggles and how the powerplay works in the B-Town. Obviously, then a very heated discussion on nepotism started. These discussions in no time started on social media as well. What then unfolded on social media is what we might call a very crude delusional version of social media trial with actors like Aalia Bhatt, Sonam Kapoor, Sonakshi Sinha getting rape threats, trolls forcing some of them to shut down their social media accounts, targeting their mothers, sisters etc and basically, rape threats. This era is what I call a meme age so obviously, a lot of memes also came like Sonam Kapoor standing with her husband and her husband being trolled by people for his grey hair and “not being as handsome as Sushant”. 

 Another section campaigned for petitions to boycott the Khans, Karan Johar, Yash Raj Banner and in the process called the Khans mafia and called KJo “chhakka” and gay (though I fail to understand how being a Chhakka or being a gay could be taken as a form of insult). 

A lot of people from Bollywood also took this as a chance to push forward their own agenda and just talked about themselves instead of Sushant. 

The third and final wave was the one that left most of us braindead when the news channels took their inspiration from supernatural movies and on loop kept telecasting how a psychic spoke to Sushant(after his demise) and even managed to record his voice. 

2. Many comedians now a days are facing a social media wrath. I’d take up here the case of two of them. Agrima Joshua and Rohan Joshi. 

I am taking these two cases deliberately. Agrima Joshua is a stand-up comedian and made some jokes about the Shivaji Statue. Yes, about Shivaji’s statue and about how people wrote about the things they thought the statue would do on Quora. So here, the woman got rape threats by thousands of people for creating humorous content on the comments that people wrote on a yet to be built Shivaji’s statue. Let’s take a moment to soak in this logic. 

Long story short, Agrima apologized, got a lot of hate on social media and a lot of support from the Indian Left and rightly so. Why I introduced the Indian Left here? Read the next incident. 

Rohan Joshi went off Twitter and Instagram after his personal number, address, family details etc. were leaked and his family started getting threats. For what? 

For Tweets like these:

• “Rapes are prevented because men and photos of Mamata Banerjee interact freely”
• “Mamata Banerjee leaves for cock block. RT @NDTVProfit: Finance minister Pranab Mukherjee leaves for North Block #Budget2012”
• “The day Sharad Pawar dies will be our real Independence Day. Putrid evil fuck”
• “Someone needs to wipe this entire Pawar clan off the face of the Earth, like the cumstains they are”
• “I hope Srinivasan resigns, because I don’t really want to see him killed by the smoke monster that comes out of Sharad Pawar’s vagina”

Few points:

• Were his Tweets offensive and sexist? Yes. 
• Should Rohan Joshi and his family be getting threats for these Tweets? No. 

What Rohan Joshi Tweeted was neither comedy nor humor. What he Tweeted reeked of sexism and misogyny. Unlike Agrima, his apology should have come sooner or later WITHOUT HIM OR HIS FAMILY RECEIVING THREATS. No one deserves threats from the so-called gorilla (in this case Right leaning) moral police of the society. Rohan issued a public apology and went off Instagram and Twitter. 

1. A lot of people supported him, consoled him, spoke about how India has lost its democracy and freedom. (their anger here in context to the threats is justified)
2. None of these people in the same breath said anything about how his Tweets were sexist and hate filled and how he made a mistake as a creator and has since grown as a person as well as a creator. (their blatant ignorance of this aspect was not justified especially because Rohan Joshi actually used the same democracy and freedom to tweet those one liners)

This is the double standard that almost every issue these days faces. It’s like there is a competition to “save our own” and in the process, ignore Justice. 

3. Hindustani Bhau

I came across this profile on Instagram after the Agrima Joshua case. It was about 2 in the night (thanks to Covid-19 and the messed up sleep cycle). I read about Agrima Joshua’s case, how she got rape threats and a guy named Shubham Mishra who made an obscene video explicitly explaining about how exactly Agrima should be raped. When I read the issue, police action against Shubham Mishra had not taken place. I then came across an Instagram post by Kusha Kapila where a few comments were of the nature “ tujhe to ab bhau dekhaga”, “tujhe to ab hindustani bhau batayega”. Out of curiosity, I searched for a profile by this name and came across a profile called Hindustani Bhau. What happened next was a 2 hour long shock that lead me to so many videos and comments that just spoke of rape, sodomization and more rape as a way to punish those who “disrespect India and Hinduism or any religion”. 

I started taking screenshots of the comments and started saving videos but then, I got tired. So, anyone who wants to know the kind of content the Hindustani Bhau churns out, pick up ANY video if his and watch it. No video of his is complete without abuses, sexual things being said about the “accused’s” mothers, sisters, wives etc. and all in the name of country and religion. For more vile content, just casually scroll through his comments section and you would see how these videos feed the already violence and rape hungry public’s fantasy and give them some demonic strength and a delusional belief that they are “fighting for a cause”. And here, I am talking about both men and women. A lot of women support these videos, this man, his threats and they themselves also give threats to anyone expressing dissent. 

I myself commented on one of the videos and just as I posted the comment, it was deleted. I again posted another one which too, was deleted. And that made me wonder. Why are comments that talk of peace or democracy deleted but comments from specifically Muslims and people abusing the Hindustani Bhau kept? To deliberately create more hate? Hate fueled by hate? I then tried commenting under a comment so that the profile admins wouldn’t be able to delete my comment and after 10 minutes or so, I got something like “ Arre koi iski bhi ma chodo re”. 

Such people, such hate spewing ideologies exist and we all know it. What surprises me in this particular case is: 

how is this man having a following of more than 3M people? On digging about him further, I figured out he was also an ex Big Boss contestant, is friends with a lot of people from the TV industry. 

I also wonder had he been a person from a minority religion, would he be having a whopping 3M plus followers on social media and still be able to churn out the content that he churns out and talk like he talks and still be on the safe side of the law? 

If we take the above 3 points into consideration now and look at the bucket full of ironies here, 

• netizens calling for justice in Sushant’s case are also the ones giving rape threats to a lot of actor’s kids
• there is very little or no conversation around mental health
• a lot of the so called “influencers” took this chance (without any formal training or qualifications) to offer help to people with mental health issues for making some quick bucks.
• A lot of netizens being hurt about Agrima’s statements are also the ones supporting her rape threats 
• the “liberals” are angered by the threats Rohan Joshi received and believe there isn’t any democracy left in the country
• the not-so-liberals have also royally ignored to acknowledge that the Tweets by Rohan Joshi were so wrong at so many levels and a proof of the “absent” democracy
• people claiming to fight for India are actually acting against its constitution 
• people claiming to fight for their religion are the ones supporting and also giving out rape threats
• people claiming to be devout Hindus are also the ones insulting Hinduism by their very behavior. 

Looking at each of these issues individually, all these problems are too deep seated and have become too complicated and now cannot be simply segregated into Left and Right issues or Religious or Liberal issues. The people and sentiments have become too polarized. It seems now no one is interested in discussing an issue. All we as a society want to do is, pick sides and then just do anything to protect or save people in our camps. How is that any different from injustice, nepotism, casteism, misogyny, is something I don’t understand. 

There are still people left in this society who are neither Left nor Right, neither religion driven nor anti religion and such people are being suffocated in this war that’s blazing that now has a life of its own simply based on “us and they”. 

So, coming back to our first question, are social media influencers good for people? Or, are they bad for the people? 

In my opinion, it is the people who make someone an “influencer”. It is the people who follow their ideas, it is the people who form the “masses”, it is the people who put power in the hands of a few, giving them the power to lead. 

So, when we as a society are becoming so polarized, it is no surprise that the so called “influencers” would be the ones who understand this polarization and decide to cash on these very sentiments. After all, these people too, are a sample from the society itself. Thus, the question here shifts from influencers being good or bad to people being good or bad for the society that we strive to achieve based on our country’s ethics and constitution. 

Finally, I don’t think with social media and everyone having an access to it (which is a good thing) we can do anything about what goes on on these platforms. For rape threats and vile comments and violence that people spew there, the cyber laws are too soft. I tried reporting a few comments on Instagram and all I got was a response from Instagram stating the comment wasn’t a violation to their community standards. The comment was about rape threats given to a woman’s mother. How is that not against any community’s standards, I don’t understand. One step could be, to strengthen cyber laws so that they translate into reality and are actually helpful to people.  

What could be done in the long run is, making sure that the news outlets and news channels are left unbiased so that at least the right fodder reaches the masses. Everyone these days is so equipped and so ready to Tweet that a lot of fake information, false numbers, wrong information gets viral. The recent example of the pregnant elephant being killed by fire crackers is one such issue where people made sketches, cartoons, wrote heart felt poems all based on false information, without knowing the truth simply based on what some other person said. Since I don’t see news channels and news outlets being unbiased any time in near future, not following any one source blindly is the best that can be done and this practice of cross checking and verifying alone can save a lot of confusion and hate. 

I think I was in 8^th or 9^th standard when the English unit test in my school had a question on the influence of TV viewing on children and whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I still remember my answer. My answer is the same today as well. It’s never the medium that’s right or wrong. Be it the TV or social media or “influencers”. It ultimately just boils down to how equipped a human being is, how equipped a society is, to look at things objectively. Till that aspect is not given importance, the medium wouldn’t matter. Today the excuse for rape threats is someone’s death, tomorrow it’d be something else. Today the excuse for threats is religion, tomorrow it could be something else. Today the excuse for raping someone’s mom is the country, tomorrow it would be something else. Sushant, Agrima, Rohan, Hindustani Bhau are all just excuses. The society will need more hate and more violence with or without them and that’s what needs to be addressed. Why do we need hate? Why does the prospect of punishing someone without the judiciary click with so many people? A major part could be because of the system’s failure and loopholes that are there everywhere. Another could be simply because maybe human beings intrinsically are nihilistic. Or, maybe with comfortable lives, a free country, easy accessibility in terms of communication, everyone is a rebel without a cause. Maybe we as a society aren’t able to channelize an enormous amount of energy into something productive leading to a vision. Maybe that’s what we are lacking today. A clear unbiased vision of us as humans and this country. 

Society’s locker room talks

As someone who has done a PhD in Psychology centred around adolescent behaviour and their mental health and working in a NGO dealing with adolescents since the past 5 years, I think I have some understanding of the little devils that these adolescents are.

Before going further, I would like everyone to just breathe, reflect on their own adolescence, remember how it felt, how the peers influenced the behaviour, how maddening and distracting the sexual attraction used to feel and how little things mattered so much while the big things seemed so trivial.

I have been following the news of the Bois Locker Room chat fiasco which was shortly followed by the Girl Locker Room chats.

I would proceed now by first listing the problematic issues that have come to light in these incidents.

1. Objectification of the opposite gender

Both boys and girls passed extremely cringe-worthy remarks about the physicality of the opposite gender.

This behaviour though not correct, often is an unpleasant part of a phase.

A phase where the adolescents become aware of the self, become aware of the sex they are attracted to and to some extent to vent out in front of peers to silence their curiosities, talk with their peers in a specific manner.

For a lot of people, this phase passes off. Ideally, it should. It would be extremely disturbing to know that some adults are stuck in this stage and have never really “grown up”

However, girls and boys BOTH sexualise the gender they are attracted to and though not a correct act, should not be looked at solely in the light of the evils happening in the society and their root cause.

Ideally, the adolescents should outgrow this phase.The thing to remember here is, it is neither the only stage of a teenager’s curiosity regarding the opposite gender nor the final one.

What can we do about it?

We can have regular dialogues and discussions with children about the opposite sex, about attractions, infatuations etc.

(Here I am using the term children and not adolescents because

a) suddenly starting a conversation when the girls start their periods and the boys start growing their adam’s apple is not going to be of any use.

b) whether we like it or not, at some point in the adolescence, the teenagers would stop listening to parents and teachers. It is important that when they reach that stage, they have a foundation where they have been given the right kind of exposure.)

There has to be a culture of dialogues that needs to be built. A space where discussions take place, where questions are encouraged, where incidents are shared from all over the world, where perspectives are discussed.

Here, both the school and the parents have the responsibility to provide that environment to the child.

2. Sharing/morphing pictures without the consent of the person and then threatening (blackmailing the girls) them, planning to leak their pictures.

This is wrong.

With smart phones and social media and thousands of free photo editing apps, these actions are difficult to check and keep a tab on.

My problem with the handling of these acts in the media is , these acts ( this is specifically in context to the Bois Locker Room) are being looked at as “ sharing of minor girl’s pictures and photoshopping them”.

This statement though true, also in an unsaid manner points to something which probably wasn’t the case. That being, the boys sharing these pictures are not 25/30 year old perverts but are themselves school going boys. The “underage” part in the Bois Locker Room chats isn’t intentional. It is a result of the participant’s immediate surrounding and exposure.

To be clear, I am not supporting these acts. i am simply pointing out this is not a case of passing child porn and pedophilia. The media and the “social influencers” should be careful about how they paint a picture because apparently, they “influence” a lot of youth these days.

The majority of the group members in the Bois Locker Room are juveniles, some as young as 13 years old. This should be kept in mind while investigating the whole case.

The discussions where boys plan to leak the girl’s pictures come from a place where sharing, passing on, “leaking” pictures is all a click away and very very doable and highly damaging.

What can we do?

a) Teach the children the meaning of consent. Teach them young. Show them first and foremost you respect their consent in matters where they should be having a say. Until we collectively as a society, as parents dont look at the concept of consent as a legitimate part of the bringing up of children, the children would not learn it and would get a distorted picture of the same.

b) Teach the children how devastating and how damaging the repercussions of making someone’s private life public are. Teach them it’s not okay to share someone’s personal pictures, it is not a matter of joke to pass on someone’s intimate pictures, introduce them to the concept of right and wrong, of morality, ethics. Small dialogues, incidents shared can do this trick.

3. Rape threats

Rape as a term is being used loosely by both boys and girls. Boys talking casually about raping girls and girls often in their talks talk about raping boys. Both are equally wrong.

This issue has 2 aspects.

a) using a serious word like rape for fun and cheap thrills is not something any gender should be indulging in.

b) pausing and reflecting and acknowledging that the usage of this term by these 13-18 year olds is probably a result of us as a society using this term loosely in jokes, in friendly banter, in movies, in songs, trivialising the act. With this, also asking ourselves “do they actually intend on going ahead with the act or has it become a figure of speech, something used loosely with talking to friends?”

Here i am talking about both girls and boys.

What can we do about it?

Again, sensitise children and make them understand it’s not okay to be using such terms loosely. By setting examples of not normalising the term in jokes, comments and our day to day lives. By teaching them the repercussions of falsely accusing someone of rape and the trauma that the act in itself is for the victim.

Some more aspects:

As per a news piece, the whistleblower made the whole thing public because “boys cannot get away with their wrongdoings”

I agree. 100%. Neither boys nor girls should get away with their wrong doings.

These bunch of adolescents should be counselled, their chats investigated and it should be made sure their chats were limited to the chat rooms and did not and do not translate into any kind of reality.

Another aspect of the whole thing is, by pinning the entire blame on these juveniles, are we as a society running away and shying away from our own wrongdoings?

Are the adolescents alone to be blamed for their mental conditioning or would we finally be talking about how we expose little children right from age 0 to sexist jokes, objectification of the opposite gender, sleazy songs, double meaning dialogues in the movies, movies trivialising rape, news channels discussing the length of the skirt of the rape victim and the time of the night she was out, making kids dance on sleazy numbers with obscene actions?

Would we take the blame? Or are we happy pinning it all on a bunch of juveniles and calling out their names on social media and being happy with their arrests?

We can catch hold of a bunch of school boys and girls and hold them accountable for their chats. We can sure create some stirs and instil fear in the adolescents with this for a while but, are we explaining to them why this behaviour is wrong? Are we talking to them? Are they listening to us? Are we even in the same space?

These are the questions we need to answer.

Our society as a system is becoming a place where dialogues, emotions, empathy is decreasing at an alarming rate. It’s not just with the adolescents because of their access to internet and social media. It is also with the parents not having enough dialogues with the children, the schools not looking at a child as an individual but looking at them as pass/fail clones, with no one to actually break the ice with the adolescents of our society and giving them the right kind of perspectives, with relationships and sentiments becoming more virtual than real for all, including adults.

In times like these, shouldn’t we also hold our own selves accountable and mend our ways?

India has 27% of the population in the range of 0-14 years. We have all been lately very busy with telling everyone to “raise the kids right, raise the boys right” but what about the rest of the 63%? Are we even capable, as a society to raise anyone right? It is this 63% that sets examples, that controls the media, that shouts on the news channels, that makes irresponsible movies, that encourages stereotyping of genders.

The larger question here is, how do we “educate” this section? Because if we dont, we sure aren’t raising anything right.

Here another thing needs to be kept in mind. A massive portion of the population of our country is struggling to just put food on their plates. When the Maslow’s pyramid’s basics haven’t been met, we cannot expect everyone to jump unitedly on the final portion of it. Not every parent would be able to provide the ideal environment to the child. Not every school would be sensitive to a child’s needs. Not every child would be having an access to school.

It is here that the role of each one of us as an active citizen of the society comes in. Until we as adults dont set the right examples for our kids and for everyone else, the above mentioned changes would never become a reality and would never start becoming a part of our culture. If we dont start checking ourselves now, the problem would only increase.

I Am Me

Though this monologue is there in my blog posts, I wanted to share the video i made of the same.

If you guys like it, do share!

YouTube link for the same is given below for sharing.

Hope you all like it!

Everyone has their own “normal”

For the longest time ( 2 years to be exact), i have been meaning to write about the unsaid “norms of normal” that make rounds in our society.

After delivering a child, I thought the most frequently asked questions would be something like “how are you?” “How does it feel?” “How’s the little one been doing” etc. But, surprisingly, the most asked questions were two:

1. Was it a normal delivery or a cesarean?

2. Is the baby on breast feed or formula?

Now, the problem here is not asking these questions. The problem lies in trying to judge a new mom on the basis of the answers that she gives.

I had a cesarean delivery. And it was normal for me. All deliveries are normal. Each body reacts differently to pregnancy and my recovery, weight loss and the entire journey was super smooth. So, by the time i hit the 45 day mark post delivery, I was fitting into my regular pre pregnancy jeans without having done any exercises and without starving myself. This was my journey. Its not good or bad. It’s just how my journey has been.

The thing that surprised me was, a lot of people (especially women) judged me for having lost the weight, came to the conclusion that since I have lost my pregnancy weight and I had a cesarean, I definitely am not breast feeding my child and hence, I am a “modern” mother with low parenting values.

This is an unsaid phenomenon in the society and I have faced it many a times be it at social gatherings, friends you bump into, relatives you meet etc.

Another amazing thing that I get is, people questioning my decision to have a single child. To substantiate their intrusive questions, they often end up telling me: but you had the baby through operation, you don’t even know what delivering a child means. So, you can have more kids!

Bravo! What logic. And I get this A LOT. I used to be confused in the beginning but when I finally realised the stupidity of the whole thing, I started answering back in my own way.

A couple of months ago, I was at a party where I met a new mother and I walked upto her and asked how she has been doing and how’s the baby been doing. Well, to tell you the truth, I wanted to tickle the cheeks of the infant (my kid is now 2 and I miss those early months). As we started talking, she shared with me how she has been judged for opting a cesarean and how women judge her for feeding formula to the child to the extent of calling her up and Whatsapping her their kid’s pictures when they were infants just to show how “healthy” they were because they were exclusively breastfed.

I wonder how fair is it to judge a new mother who is figuring things out, is exhausted and probably going through post partum depression or feeling exceptionally low, on the basis of the choices she makes. I wonder how justified it is to judge a woman who has been trying to feed her baby all night, is taking medication to increase the breast milk supply, is super exhausted, has backache from feeding and to take a break decides to give a formula feed to the child. And even if she is not exhausted, she is not having lactation or latching issues, she just needs a break for a while. Who is anyone to judge her?

We have no right to judge anyone for their choices. Why I had a cesarean is nobody’s business. How I take care of my child is nobody’s business, how many kids i choose to have is nobody’s business.

To strike a conversation and ask questions or to just suggest something or share experiences is normal and that’s how I have learned a lot of things in my initial days of being a mother. Frankly, I have come across some amazing women from all across the globe and have one of the best gang of girls who give very realistic and practical information and advices. But, a lot of people and women to be specific, try to get information for the sole purpose of judging a person and demeaning them by devaluing their choices, an act that is morally and ethically wrong

As women we go through a lot physically and mentally when we have a baby. It’s a roller coaster journey and each woman has her own journey and circumstances and choices. We need to be more inclusive and less intolerant about women who don’t fit a particular mould of a mother. I joined back work in 6 months post delivery and a lot of women judged me for having gone back to work “so soon”. There are so many judgements and so little compassion around the choices a woman makes that its a bit disheartening, to say the least.

What a person is going through, we don’t know. How much the person is trying, we dont know. Who has what medical conditions, we don’t know. Who is going through mental health issues like post-partum depression, we do not know. So, stop judging people by just looking at them. In fact, we should stop judging people completely. To each to it’s own, right? Lets respect people and their choices even if they don’t fit a particular social mould.

Guilty: Review

On a cosy evening, with the weather just perfect, I snuggled in my comforter and started watching a crime thriller on Netflix.  10 minutes in, I saw a notification ping saying “Guilty” was now streaming on Netflix.

I had seen its ads and had probably marked it hence, the notification. I switched to watching Guilty and the next 120 minutes had me hooked onto it.

Guilty is a story of a woman, it’s a story of womankind, it’s a story of humanity, it’s a story screaming why boys need to be raised right, it’s a story of how acceptable victim shaming is, it’s a story of how insensitive we all are as a society.

To review the movie, it’s a very upbeat, young movie with a deep rooted message to which a lot of college kids and youth would identify with as well as the older generation. Based on the #MeToo movement, it’s an extremely urban story. Its so urban that one of the characters in the movie when asked questions about his whereabouts, says “I want to plead the fifth”!. The section of society that has grown up on watching American TV series and Hollywood movies find it eye opening to know 911 isn’t an Indian emergency number and, pleading the fifth is in the American constitution and not in the Indian and this vibe is captured perfectly in the movie. The acting of most of the actors is convincing and the supporting cast is an ensemble of seasoned actors like Dilip Tahir and Niki Aneja Walia. The story of the movie is so powerful that the acting and the actors don’t outshine the story track. You’d remember the cast of this movie by their screen names and not their real-life names and that is a huge accomplishment for any creative team.

What the movie does to the you, is a separate story all together. Like I said earlier, it’s a movie on society, sexuality, gender bias, victim shaming, and the list could go on and on.

What surprises me is, its 2020 and we are still fighting for basic human dignity of a particular gender. Since ages there has been content around this issue. In every century, the story is probably the same. Its just the narration that changes. Watching this movie, I remembered a Hollywood movie I saw as a kid starring Jodie Foster, “The Accused”. The Accused was released in 1988. Guilty is released in 2020. The issue and the insensitivity of the society, the attitude that if a woman is drinking, wearing skimpy clothes, flirting with a man,  is asking for it, is the same. Victim shaming and the victim blaming is the same. The entitlement of men in thinking they have the right to decide who “asks for it” and who doesn’t, is the same and this similarity is what we all as a society should be collectively ashamed of.

In the movie, a girl who accuses the college heartthrob of rape, with whom she had been flirting and wanting to sleep with, wore skimpy clothes and minced no words when said “yes, I wanted to be with him, yes, I flirted with him, yes I wanted to be his girlfriend and yes, I wanted to sleep with him BUT NOT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS” is a statement that probably a lot of people would not even understand because of the expert raising techniques that we practice in our societies.

The film treads on the bold territory of domestic rape, wearing plunging necklines, the coexistence of the possibility of flirting and having the right to say NO, the stark difference in the perception people have of a woman who seeks attention and of a man who seeks attention and, of course, the dirty world of legal politics.

Why the #MeToo movement caught such a momentum worldwide is no rocket science. The logic is simple. There cannot be a woman in the world who has never ever faced any kind of physical abuse. It may be in the form of rape, eve teasing, bottom pinching, slut shaming etc but, it has happened. And all of it falls under one umbrella: treating women as objects.

How hard is it to understand what No means. How have we all raised the boys who went on to become the kind of men that think cleavage, alcohol, short dresses and flirting is a certified indication of “asking for it”?

I remember when I was in college, a bunch of boys used to eve tease us every single day. The police station was walking distance from my college so myself along with two more friends of mine went to the police station to complain. The police officer there took one look at us and told us to wear full sleeved clothes and wear salwar kameez instead of jeans and the “boy problem” would soon vanish.

When would we start holding men accountable for their actions? Why do women have to be cautious for themselves as well as for men? Why is the onus of not provoking men on women?

It takes a village to raise a child and looks like since centuries we have been raising boys in the wrong kind of village.

I am Me

I am a child.

The one who was supposed to play hide n seek but could never play without worrying my mother sick and making her almost paranoid for my safety.

I am a teenager.

The one Who wanted to wear camisoles but never could because i didnt know how to avoid the lecherous gaze of men who made me uncomfortable with my own growing and changing body.

I am a young woman.

The one who wanted to go clubbing and pubbing and enjoy and partywith my new found monetary independence but never could because nights are not safe for women to venture out.

I am a bride

The one who wanted to be a little more than a Mrs, the one who wanted to work, pursue her career but couldn’t because a woman going out to work is against your family values.

I am a house wife

The one who wanted her name to be outside the house, right next to yours on that name plate because this is where i would be living for the rest of my life but never saw my name there ir anywhere else because for you, apparently its the men who are the true representatives of a house. Of your house.

I am a female

The one who wanted to wear shorts and pajamas at home, the one who wanted to wear jeans and dresses but never could because its against your family’s tradition and culture.

I am a mother

The one who wanted to give my daughter the chance to be a hell of an independent woman, the chance that i never got but could never give to her too because she bears your surname, your family name and even after carrying her within me, even after giving birth to her, even after spending hundreds of nights being awake with her, she doesnt have my surname and so, dhas to carry forward your family’s traditions.

I am a woman

The one who wanted to just talk about periods , the one who just wanted to step out in peace and buy the pads and tampons and menstrual cups and decide which ones to choose from but never could because periods are made to be something to be ashamed of and even going out alone and unaccompanied is against your idea of freedom.

I am a lady

The one who wanted desperately to be understood during the time i was undergoing menopause but never could be understood because a woman’s fluctuating hormones are not something to be addressed or cared for especially by the husband.

I am a middle aged mother

The one who after raising my children wanted to find myself, wanted to do something different, wanted to be what i felt i was meant to be, wanted to step out of the house, make friends, have my own social circle but never could because now, my son thinks woman of the house should behave in a certain manner and my stepping out seems to disrupt his peace of mind and the peace of the house.

I am a grandmother

The one who wanted to be seen other than being the wife of, the mother of, the grandmother of… but never could because building my individuality and identity was never even considered a thing and every step that i took towards it was met with displeasure and discouragement, making it something to be guilty of.

I am a spirit.

Finally i am not your daughter, i am not your wife, i am not your bahu, i am not your mother, i am not your grandmother, i am not your sabhyata, i am not your sanskriti, i am not your izzat, not your

Finally, i am me.

Please don’t tell me what my feminism should look like

When I say I don’t agree with a person’s views, I am saying I don’t agree with their views. Period. I am not saying I have a problem with the person or am in any manner attacking the person on a personal level. It’s the idea that I am referring to.

Now that i am done with the disclaimer, let me come straight to the point.

What an author wrote about feminism:

“However, fueled by the rising feminist movements across the globe, there is also another track the media has used to showcase empowered women. This kind of depiction tries to portray an empowered woman as one who can wear racy outfits, consume alcohol at the drop of a hat and engage in casual sex.

A classic example of it could be the Amazon Prime series, Four More Shots Please. This kind of show often ends up making many uncomfortable with the idea of feminism. Depicting western notions of feminism wrapped in their culture serve the purpose of entertainment, but it raises many questions too. Feminism is about equality, freedom and empowerment of women but isn’t it that with freedom comes the responsibility to be progressive, yet stand steadfast around our values? These desperate innuendos do not represent modern and empowered Indian women. If it does, then it’s probably a minority!”

I, as a female, have serious issues with this idea of feminism given by the author Farah here.

If the media sometimes depicts an empowered woman as one who wears racy outfits, who sees no problems in casual consensual sex, smokes and drinks, what exactly is the problem there? Are we questioning women’s choices here? Are we considering women who wear revealing outfits, women who drink and women who engage in casual consensual sex as lesser beings?

Farah further adds the Amazon Prime series Four More Shots Please and its depiction of women makes a lot of people “uncomfortable “.

My opinion: Isn’t it against the very notion of feminism to question another woman’s choice and judge her? Also, isn’t it taking too much interest in other’s lives when we say the life of a person disturbs us? I mean, why should it? If you agree with that idea, fine! If not, it’s not your place to make a decision for others.

Four More Shots Please is a web series revolving around the lives of four women. Four fiercely independent women. In my opinion, the women are cultured, have good values and are very sensitive in life. As a woman talking about feminism, isn’t it rather harsh judging other women because they consume alcohol and enjoy doing that, because they aren’t in a relationship but indulge in sex? ( consensual sex. The women here aren’t raping anyone nor promoting adulterous behaviour neither cheating) Isn’t this the exact mentality that women have been fighting against since centuries? The notion that women’s choices can be questioned because someone else feels “uncomfortable” with the way they are living their lives is exactly what feminists have been fighting against.

When Farah says “with freedom comes the responsibility to be progressive yet stand steadfast around our values?” , I dont really know how anyone can dictate what values other people should stick by in their lives. I have grown up in a household where I have seen my mother, my aunts, my great aunts all enjoying family dinners, evening conversations with a glass of wine or gin. Also, what exactly are racy outfits? Shorts? Bikinis? Dresses? To be honest, even my mother and my aunts wear these things! I am a mother to a 21month old baby girl and I love wearing my shorts, dresses or bikinis. Furthermore, I have never questioned women who claim to be progressive and also choose to dress conservatively. How is it my problem if someone has a problem with this culture of my family, the values this open minded environment imparts? Is it saying that the women in my family aren’t cultured or are not having enough values?

There have been a lot of debates around women covering their heads with scarves or chunnis or hijabs. Almost everywhere the decision is always left on the woman. To wear or not to wear should be a woman’s own free will. So why is this free will questioned in case of racy outfits and alcohol?

Feminism and women empowerment is all about the freedom of choice that a woman has. By questioning that freedom, by putting a boundary on the freedom of other beings, by respecting only a section’s choices and rejecting other’s , we are taking away centuries of struggle and hard work women have put in to make the right of choice for women a thing in this world.

The last line of the two paragraph summary is what makes this whole idea of feminism by Farah very dangerous. She writes:

“these desperate innuendos do not represent modern Indian women and if it does, it’s probably a minority!”

When women’s fight for voting rights began, it was started by a small group, a minority of women who had problems with the “culture” and “values” of those times. It was a small group of women who fought for university admissions to be made open for women in America. It was another fight where a small group of black women rebelled for their equal rights in education. All these struggles were started by a group of people who were at that point, a minority.

An idea doesn’t lose it’s merit because of being a minority belief nor does it hold true because it’s a majoritarian view.

Some women enjoy a glass of wine and some enjoy orange juice while some prefer plain water. Some feel comfortable in jeans, some feel at home in shorts while others feel good and confident in salwar kameez or sarees. Some enjoy sex, some explore their sexuality while some think of sex as a sacred act. These are all choices.

Lets be free and let others be themselves.