Someday, the silence would scream

I work in the social sector. The organisation I work for, works in the field of education for the underprivileged children in the semi-rural outskirts of Jaipur. Apart from training teachers, community interventions, preparing material for teacher trainings, my favourite part is, working with the adolescents, especially, girls.

The community where we have our schools in, most of the children come from households which are not from an affluent section of the society. The area is semi-rural with very blurred lines, not defining where the urban college campus or that posh society ends and the village hamlets with cattle and mud walled houses begin.

The thing about these areas is, you travel 1 km from the core of a hamlet, and you would hit a café or a “meeting joint” for the university kids and see a world in contrast to the world inside these hamlets.

The girls and boys I interact with come from them. They know what WhatsApp is, they know what Facebook is, they see their older cousins especially boys having profiles there, they see TV channels and see dance videos, they KNOW all the dance steps, they see the college and university kids around their areas, they see the girls and boys of these colleges and universities interacting freely, moving around on bikes. They see all of that. And then they realize this parallel world that they see, this freedom that they see is so close and yet so far from their reach.

When I started working in Digantar 5 years ago, I came in at a time when we were facing severe funding crunch. So, I was teaching, fund raising as well as representing the organization on different forums, traveling for the same, engaged in teacher workshops etc.

The 10^th and 12^th standard girls had their board exams a few months later and I was preparing them for English.

Since our schools are very different from mainstream schools (no punishments, democratic environment, freedom of speech, no competition, etc), I enjoyed my classes with these secondary and senior secondary groups. The girls were initially super curious to know more about me, about how was I “allowed” to wear jeans, about how was I “allowed” to live in a different state than my husband and work, how I was “allowed” to travel so much. They genuinely wanted to know.

Initially, the questions made me uncomfortable and I couldn’t answer them properly but, in a few days, I understood that to them, to these girls, I represented the world that they see every single day and yet, are not a part of.

Slowly, we all opened up to one another. I became their confidant, I became the person who would start music so that they could show me the latest dance moves, I became the person they would discuss their family problems with, I became the person they discussed the latest hairstyles with. But, before all of this, of course, like all teenagers, they tested me. They tested my patience, they tested me by asking me questions, personal ones, about my life, my relationships etc. I obliged and every day after finishing off our work, we would all just sit and talk. They wanted to know, and I wanted to tell them all I could.

Once a girl asked me : Didi, how do I become like you?

She wasn’t talking about my clothes or my behavior or my haircut. She was asking about the freedom that they saw me exercising in my life.

It took me a few moments to gather my thoughts and I told them they could be anything they want if they study hard and are able to stand on their own two feet.

We spent the next 5-6 months studying, discussing music, movies, religions, countries, history, books, college life, boyfriends, beliefs and then, they gave their exams.

One of the happiest moments of my work life is the day when their board results were announced. They all did very well. I was on cloud nine. I did a moonwalk from the computer room where I checked their results to where the rest of the group of teachers were sitting.

At the time when I was teaching them, they were 14-17 year olds. About 70% of these girls were married. They weren’t yet sent to their husband’s house (gauna, in Rajasthan) but they were married.

I remember two girls vividly from that time.

One of them loved to dance. She was in 12^th at the time. She told me her dream was to become a dancer. She was also engaged in her 12^th standard and was to get married right after her last exam. She had dreams. She had planned everything. She had found out there was a college near her in law’s place where she’d be moving post marriage and her fiancé had promised her that he would “allow” her to complete her graduation. For the dancing part, he had convinced her that she could dance all that she wanted to in front of him. She giggled when she spoke about it to me. Her eyes sparkled when she told me about her plans. She seemed full of dreams and her dreams looked reachable to her.

Though I smiled at the time, I knew this would end very differently.

About one year after her sending-off-to-in-law’s ceremony, I met her. Since we as an organisation have a very close relationship with the community, we had gone to a wedding in the community where this girl too, had come. She was in her 3^rd trimester of pregnancy. The husband had told her he would not allow her to study further because his mother didn’t approve of it. I asked her how was she doing. Somehow, I couldn’t see the spark in her eyes anymore. Her eyes didn’t light up at the mention of dance or college. She knew, that ship had sailed. At age 18.

The second girl I remember is for the sheer nightmares that she gave me. This one was a monkey disguised as a human. She climbed trees, played all the time, had attention span of 5 minutes. 7, if she pitied me and was plain brilliant. She remembered things, she did her work in 1/4^th time all of them were given, was very active and chirpy. She was a walking talking energyball. She was in 10^th when I taught her. She had plans to study further.

After exams, about 2 months later, I heard she had gotten married because her elder sister was also of “marriageable age” and so, they both were married to two brothers. I still have a hard time accepting that that bundle of energy got married and had a child within 1 year of her marriage. At age 17.

I never met her again. She got married into a family that doesn’t live in this community, so I don’t come across her in weddings or festivals. I sometimes think it’s good that I haven’t met her again. To see her in a reality very different to what she dreamt of and deserves, is not something I think I would be able to handle.

I often wonder, what went on in both these girls’ minds when their families pressurized them to get married? At what point exactly did they accept that their dreams would never be fulfilled? Have they made peace with this reality? Yet?

I do not know the answers. I don’t think even they know these answers.

Some of the girls from that batch did go on to do their graduation and then masters. About 4 girls out of 22 did their graduation and 1 is pursuing masters. I meet some of them every now and then either in the community or when they come to meet us in the school.

It’s always a nostalgia, meeting them, talking to them. After all, they were my first batch of students. Though I taught them English, I sometimes wonder how much they taught me about life.

They surprised me with their understanding of things, their clarity of thought, their problem-solving skills, their warmth and later, their painfully loud silence.

Social change and change in mindsets take generations. When my parents started working in this community, the girls were not sent to school post age 9. The first time they went from door to door to ask the families to send their girls to school, my parents kept a condition that they would admit boys only when their sisters would also come to the school. Things are changing. In my 5 years’ experience, from 70% of the girls being married in the 10^th and 12^th class to hardly any girl married that early is what I am seeing. Change is happening, a lot of girls who were stopped from studying are now adamant mothers making sure their daughters get the education they deserve.

Social change doesn’t come from the happy and comfortable section of the society. Be it in context to gender or socio-economic status. Social change comes from the section that faces injustice to the limit where they start questioning the “fate” written for them by the rest of the society. In the larger scheme of things, social change comes when too many dreams shatter silently resulting in one powerful cry of rebellion. I would like to think none of the girls who saw their dreams shatter, saw that happening without any purpose. I would like to believe some day, when it’s their time, they would scratch this wound open and gather the courage to break the cycle. Today, it didn’t make a sound when their dreams shattered but tomorrow, it’d be a part of a deafening cry. I would like to believe that.

Society’s locker room talks

As someone who has done a PhD in Psychology centred around adolescent behaviour and their mental health and working in a NGO dealing with adolescents since the past 5 years, I think I have some understanding of the little devils that these adolescents are.

Before going further, I would like everyone to just breathe, reflect on their own adolescence, remember how it felt, how the peers influenced the behaviour, how maddening and distracting the sexual attraction used to feel and how little things mattered so much while the big things seemed so trivial.

I have been following the news of the Bois Locker Room chat fiasco which was shortly followed by the Girl Locker Room chats.

I would proceed now by first listing the problematic issues that have come to light in these incidents.

1. Objectification of the opposite gender

Both boys and girls passed extremely cringe-worthy remarks about the physicality of the opposite gender.

This behaviour though not correct, often is an unpleasant part of a phase.

A phase where the adolescents become aware of the self, become aware of the sex they are attracted to and to some extent to vent out in front of peers to silence their curiosities, talk with their peers in a specific manner.

For a lot of people, this phase passes off. Ideally, it should. It would be extremely disturbing to know that some adults are stuck in this stage and have never really “grown up”

However, girls and boys BOTH sexualise the gender they are attracted to and though not a correct act, should not be looked at solely in the light of the evils happening in the society and their root cause.

Ideally, the adolescents should outgrow this phase.The thing to remember here is, it is neither the only stage of a teenager’s curiosity regarding the opposite gender nor the final one.

What can we do about it?

We can have regular dialogues and discussions with children about the opposite sex, about attractions, infatuations etc.

(Here I am using the term children and not adolescents because

a) suddenly starting a conversation when the girls start their periods and the boys start growing their adam’s apple is not going to be of any use.

b) whether we like it or not, at some point in the adolescence, the teenagers would stop listening to parents and teachers. It is important that when they reach that stage, they have a foundation where they have been given the right kind of exposure.)

There has to be a culture of dialogues that needs to be built. A space where discussions take place, where questions are encouraged, where incidents are shared from all over the world, where perspectives are discussed.

Here, both the school and the parents have the responsibility to provide that environment to the child.

2. Sharing/morphing pictures without the consent of the person and then threatening (blackmailing the girls) them, planning to leak their pictures.

This is wrong.

With smart phones and social media and thousands of free photo editing apps, these actions are difficult to check and keep a tab on.

My problem with the handling of these acts in the media is , these acts ( this is specifically in context to the Bois Locker Room) are being looked at as “ sharing of minor girl’s pictures and photoshopping them”.

This statement though true, also in an unsaid manner points to something which probably wasn’t the case. That being, the boys sharing these pictures are not 25/30 year old perverts but are themselves school going boys. The “underage” part in the Bois Locker Room chats isn’t intentional. It is a result of the participant’s immediate surrounding and exposure.

To be clear, I am not supporting these acts. i am simply pointing out this is not a case of passing child porn and pedophilia. The media and the “social influencers” should be careful about how they paint a picture because apparently, they “influence” a lot of youth these days.

The majority of the group members in the Bois Locker Room are juveniles, some as young as 13 years old. This should be kept in mind while investigating the whole case.

The discussions where boys plan to leak the girl’s pictures come from a place where sharing, passing on, “leaking” pictures is all a click away and very very doable and highly damaging.

What can we do?

a) Teach the children the meaning of consent. Teach them young. Show them first and foremost you respect their consent in matters where they should be having a say. Until we collectively as a society, as parents dont look at the concept of consent as a legitimate part of the bringing up of children, the children would not learn it and would get a distorted picture of the same.

b) Teach the children how devastating and how damaging the repercussions of making someone’s private life public are. Teach them it’s not okay to share someone’s personal pictures, it is not a matter of joke to pass on someone’s intimate pictures, introduce them to the concept of right and wrong, of morality, ethics. Small dialogues, incidents shared can do this trick.

3. Rape threats

Rape as a term is being used loosely by both boys and girls. Boys talking casually about raping girls and girls often in their talks talk about raping boys. Both are equally wrong.

This issue has 2 aspects.

a) using a serious word like rape for fun and cheap thrills is not something any gender should be indulging in.

b) pausing and reflecting and acknowledging that the usage of this term by these 13-18 year olds is probably a result of us as a society using this term loosely in jokes, in friendly banter, in movies, in songs, trivialising the act. With this, also asking ourselves “do they actually intend on going ahead with the act or has it become a figure of speech, something used loosely with talking to friends?”

Here i am talking about both girls and boys.

What can we do about it?

Again, sensitise children and make them understand it’s not okay to be using such terms loosely. By setting examples of not normalising the term in jokes, comments and our day to day lives. By teaching them the repercussions of falsely accusing someone of rape and the trauma that the act in itself is for the victim.

Some more aspects:

As per a news piece, the whistleblower made the whole thing public because “boys cannot get away with their wrongdoings”

I agree. 100%. Neither boys nor girls should get away with their wrong doings.

These bunch of adolescents should be counselled, their chats investigated and it should be made sure their chats were limited to the chat rooms and did not and do not translate into any kind of reality.

Another aspect of the whole thing is, by pinning the entire blame on these juveniles, are we as a society running away and shying away from our own wrongdoings?

Are the adolescents alone to be blamed for their mental conditioning or would we finally be talking about how we expose little children right from age 0 to sexist jokes, objectification of the opposite gender, sleazy songs, double meaning dialogues in the movies, movies trivialising rape, news channels discussing the length of the skirt of the rape victim and the time of the night she was out, making kids dance on sleazy numbers with obscene actions?

Would we take the blame? Or are we happy pinning it all on a bunch of juveniles and calling out their names on social media and being happy with their arrests?

We can catch hold of a bunch of school boys and girls and hold them accountable for their chats. We can sure create some stirs and instil fear in the adolescents with this for a while but, are we explaining to them why this behaviour is wrong? Are we talking to them? Are they listening to us? Are we even in the same space?

These are the questions we need to answer.

Our society as a system is becoming a place where dialogues, emotions, empathy is decreasing at an alarming rate. It’s not just with the adolescents because of their access to internet and social media. It is also with the parents not having enough dialogues with the children, the schools not looking at a child as an individual but looking at them as pass/fail clones, with no one to actually break the ice with the adolescents of our society and giving them the right kind of perspectives, with relationships and sentiments becoming more virtual than real for all, including adults.

In times like these, shouldn’t we also hold our own selves accountable and mend our ways?

India has 27% of the population in the range of 0-14 years. We have all been lately very busy with telling everyone to “raise the kids right, raise the boys right” but what about the rest of the 63%? Are we even capable, as a society to raise anyone right? It is this 63% that sets examples, that controls the media, that shouts on the news channels, that makes irresponsible movies, that encourages stereotyping of genders.

The larger question here is, how do we “educate” this section? Because if we dont, we sure aren’t raising anything right.

Here another thing needs to be kept in mind. A massive portion of the population of our country is struggling to just put food on their plates. When the Maslow’s pyramid’s basics haven’t been met, we cannot expect everyone to jump unitedly on the final portion of it. Not every parent would be able to provide the ideal environment to the child. Not every school would be sensitive to a child’s needs. Not every child would be having an access to school.

It is here that the role of each one of us as an active citizen of the society comes in. Until we as adults dont set the right examples for our kids and for everyone else, the above mentioned changes would never become a reality and would never start becoming a part of our culture. If we dont start checking ourselves now, the problem would only increase.

I Am Me

Though this monologue is there in my blog posts, I wanted to share the video i made of the same.

If you guys like it, do share!

YouTube link for the same is given below for sharing.

Hope you all like it!

Guilty: Review

On a cosy evening, with the weather just perfect, I snuggled in my comforter and started watching a crime thriller on Netflix.  10 minutes in, I saw a notification ping saying “Guilty” was now streaming on Netflix.

I had seen its ads and had probably marked it hence, the notification. I switched to watching Guilty and the next 120 minutes had me hooked onto it.

Guilty is a story of a woman, it’s a story of womankind, it’s a story of humanity, it’s a story screaming why boys need to be raised right, it’s a story of how acceptable victim shaming is, it’s a story of how insensitive we all are as a society.

To review the movie, it’s a very upbeat, young movie with a deep rooted message to which a lot of college kids and youth would identify with as well as the older generation. Based on the #MeToo movement, it’s an extremely urban story. Its so urban that one of the characters in the movie when asked questions about his whereabouts, says “I want to plead the fifth”!. The section of society that has grown up on watching American TV series and Hollywood movies find it eye opening to know 911 isn’t an Indian emergency number and, pleading the fifth is in the American constitution and not in the Indian and this vibe is captured perfectly in the movie. The acting of most of the actors is convincing and the supporting cast is an ensemble of seasoned actors like Dilip Tahir and Niki Aneja Walia. The story of the movie is so powerful that the acting and the actors don’t outshine the story track. You’d remember the cast of this movie by their screen names and not their real-life names and that is a huge accomplishment for any creative team.

What the movie does to the you, is a separate story all together. Like I said earlier, it’s a movie on society, sexuality, gender bias, victim shaming, and the list could go on and on.

What surprises me is, its 2020 and we are still fighting for basic human dignity of a particular gender. Since ages there has been content around this issue. In every century, the story is probably the same. Its just the narration that changes. Watching this movie, I remembered a Hollywood movie I saw as a kid starring Jodie Foster, “The Accused”. The Accused was released in 1988. Guilty is released in 2020. The issue and the insensitivity of the society, the attitude that if a woman is drinking, wearing skimpy clothes, flirting with a man,  is asking for it, is the same. Victim shaming and the victim blaming is the same. The entitlement of men in thinking they have the right to decide who “asks for it” and who doesn’t, is the same and this similarity is what we all as a society should be collectively ashamed of.

In the movie, a girl who accuses the college heartthrob of rape, with whom she had been flirting and wanting to sleep with, wore skimpy clothes and minced no words when said “yes, I wanted to be with him, yes, I flirted with him, yes I wanted to be his girlfriend and yes, I wanted to sleep with him BUT NOT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS” is a statement that probably a lot of people would not even understand because of the expert raising techniques that we practice in our societies.

The film treads on the bold territory of domestic rape, wearing plunging necklines, the coexistence of the possibility of flirting and having the right to say NO, the stark difference in the perception people have of a woman who seeks attention and of a man who seeks attention and, of course, the dirty world of legal politics.

Why the #MeToo movement caught such a momentum worldwide is no rocket science. The logic is simple. There cannot be a woman in the world who has never ever faced any kind of physical abuse. It may be in the form of rape, eve teasing, bottom pinching, slut shaming etc but, it has happened. And all of it falls under one umbrella: treating women as objects.

How hard is it to understand what No means. How have we all raised the boys who went on to become the kind of men that think cleavage, alcohol, short dresses and flirting is a certified indication of “asking for it”?

I remember when I was in college, a bunch of boys used to eve tease us every single day. The police station was walking distance from my college so myself along with two more friends of mine went to the police station to complain. The police officer there took one look at us and told us to wear full sleeved clothes and wear salwar kameez instead of jeans and the “boy problem” would soon vanish.

When would we start holding men accountable for their actions? Why do women have to be cautious for themselves as well as for men? Why is the onus of not provoking men on women?

It takes a village to raise a child and looks like since centuries we have been raising boys in the wrong kind of village.

I am Me

I am a child.

The one who was supposed to play hide n seek but could never play without worrying my mother sick and making her almost paranoid for my safety.

I am a teenager.

The one Who wanted to wear camisoles but never could because i didnt know how to avoid the lecherous gaze of men who made me uncomfortable with my own growing and changing body.

I am a young woman.

The one who wanted to go clubbing and pubbing and enjoy and partywith my new found monetary independence but never could because nights are not safe for women to venture out.

I am a bride

The one who wanted to be a little more than a Mrs, the one who wanted to work, pursue her career but couldn’t because a woman going out to work is against your family values.

I am a house wife

The one who wanted her name to be outside the house, right next to yours on that name plate because this is where i would be living for the rest of my life but never saw my name there ir anywhere else because for you, apparently its the men who are the true representatives of a house. Of your house.

I am a female

The one who wanted to wear shorts and pajamas at home, the one who wanted to wear jeans and dresses but never could because its against your family’s tradition and culture.

I am a mother

The one who wanted to give my daughter the chance to be a hell of an independent woman, the chance that i never got but could never give to her too because she bears your surname, your family name and even after carrying her within me, even after giving birth to her, even after spending hundreds of nights being awake with her, she doesnt have my surname and so, dhas to carry forward your family’s traditions.

I am a woman

The one who wanted to just talk about periods , the one who just wanted to step out in peace and buy the pads and tampons and menstrual cups and decide which ones to choose from but never could because periods are made to be something to be ashamed of and even going out alone and unaccompanied is against your idea of freedom.

I am a lady

The one who wanted desperately to be understood during the time i was undergoing menopause but never could be understood because a woman’s fluctuating hormones are not something to be addressed or cared for especially by the husband.

I am a middle aged mother

The one who after raising my children wanted to find myself, wanted to do something different, wanted to be what i felt i was meant to be, wanted to step out of the house, make friends, have my own social circle but never could because now, my son thinks woman of the house should behave in a certain manner and my stepping out seems to disrupt his peace of mind and the peace of the house.

I am a grandmother

The one who wanted to be seen other than being the wife of, the mother of, the grandmother of… but never could because building my individuality and identity was never even considered a thing and every step that i took towards it was met with displeasure and discouragement, making it something to be guilty of.

I am a spirit.

Finally i am not your daughter, i am not your wife, i am not your bahu, i am not your mother, i am not your grandmother, i am not your sabhyata, i am not your sanskriti, i am not your izzat, not your

Finally, i am me.

Please don’t tell me what my feminism should look like

When I say I don’t agree with a person’s views, I am saying I don’t agree with their views. Period. I am not saying I have a problem with the person or am in any manner attacking the person on a personal level. It’s the idea that I am referring to.

Now that i am done with the disclaimer, let me come straight to the point.

What an author wrote about feminism:

“However, fueled by the rising feminist movements across the globe, there is also another track the media has used to showcase empowered women. This kind of depiction tries to portray an empowered woman as one who can wear racy outfits, consume alcohol at the drop of a hat and engage in casual sex.

A classic example of it could be the Amazon Prime series, Four More Shots Please. This kind of show often ends up making many uncomfortable with the idea of feminism. Depicting western notions of feminism wrapped in their culture serve the purpose of entertainment, but it raises many questions too. Feminism is about equality, freedom and empowerment of women but isn’t it that with freedom comes the responsibility to be progressive, yet stand steadfast around our values? These desperate innuendos do not represent modern and empowered Indian women. If it does, then it’s probably a minority!”

I, as a female, have serious issues with this idea of feminism given by the author Farah here.

If the media sometimes depicts an empowered woman as one who wears racy outfits, who sees no problems in casual consensual sex, smokes and drinks, what exactly is the problem there? Are we questioning women’s choices here? Are we considering women who wear revealing outfits, women who drink and women who engage in casual consensual sex as lesser beings?

Farah further adds the Amazon Prime series Four More Shots Please and its depiction of women makes a lot of people “uncomfortable “.

My opinion: Isn’t it against the very notion of feminism to question another woman’s choice and judge her? Also, isn’t it taking too much interest in other’s lives when we say the life of a person disturbs us? I mean, why should it? If you agree with that idea, fine! If not, it’s not your place to make a decision for others.

Four More Shots Please is a web series revolving around the lives of four women. Four fiercely independent women. In my opinion, the women are cultured, have good values and are very sensitive in life. As a woman talking about feminism, isn’t it rather harsh judging other women because they consume alcohol and enjoy doing that, because they aren’t in a relationship but indulge in sex? ( consensual sex. The women here aren’t raping anyone nor promoting adulterous behaviour neither cheating) Isn’t this the exact mentality that women have been fighting against since centuries? The notion that women’s choices can be questioned because someone else feels “uncomfortable” with the way they are living their lives is exactly what feminists have been fighting against.

When Farah says “with freedom comes the responsibility to be progressive yet stand steadfast around our values?” , I dont really know how anyone can dictate what values other people should stick by in their lives. I have grown up in a household where I have seen my mother, my aunts, my great aunts all enjoying family dinners, evening conversations with a glass of wine or gin. Also, what exactly are racy outfits? Shorts? Bikinis? Dresses? To be honest, even my mother and my aunts wear these things! I am a mother to a 21month old baby girl and I love wearing my shorts, dresses or bikinis. Furthermore, I have never questioned women who claim to be progressive and also choose to dress conservatively. How is it my problem if someone has a problem with this culture of my family, the values this open minded environment imparts? Is it saying that the women in my family aren’t cultured or are not having enough values?

There have been a lot of debates around women covering their heads with scarves or chunnis or hijabs. Almost everywhere the decision is always left on the woman. To wear or not to wear should be a woman’s own free will. So why is this free will questioned in case of racy outfits and alcohol?

Feminism and women empowerment is all about the freedom of choice that a woman has. By questioning that freedom, by putting a boundary on the freedom of other beings, by respecting only a section’s choices and rejecting other’s , we are taking away centuries of struggle and hard work women have put in to make the right of choice for women a thing in this world.

The last line of the two paragraph summary is what makes this whole idea of feminism by Farah very dangerous. She writes:

“these desperate innuendos do not represent modern Indian women and if it does, it’s probably a minority!”

When women’s fight for voting rights began, it was started by a small group, a minority of women who had problems with the “culture” and “values” of those times. It was a small group of women who fought for university admissions to be made open for women in America. It was another fight where a small group of black women rebelled for their equal rights in education. All these struggles were started by a group of people who were at that point, a minority.

An idea doesn’t lose it’s merit because of being a minority belief nor does it hold true because it’s a majoritarian view.

Some women enjoy a glass of wine and some enjoy orange juice while some prefer plain water. Some feel comfortable in jeans, some feel at home in shorts while others feel good and confident in salwar kameez or sarees. Some enjoy sex, some explore their sexuality while some think of sex as a sacred act. These are all choices.

Lets be free and let others be themselves.

Societal Conditioning and Gender equality

“I was so busy in my career that I could not be there for my children during their growing up years”

“Inspite of the affairs, there was no love lost in their marriage and the spouse stood by the artist”

“I have slept with some three hundred plus people.”

Read the above statements.

Did you read these statements and imagine a man in their context?

If so, why? Did your mind automatically reach to that conclusion?

If not, congratulations! You dont need to read the article further!

If it’s the first case, Hi again! And now, another question. Ever wondered how you reached that conclusion?

This is a classic example of societal conditioning.

Now think of all these statements given by women. Just. think.

Would a woman making any of these statements be judged a bit more harshly as compared to her male counterparts ? Would this woman be accepted and respected by the society like most men are? Would this woman be forgiven as easily in the eyes of the world? Would this woman still be considered an idol?

Gender inequality is enmeshed so deep in the fabric of our society that it would take a few generations and some damn strong women and some very secure and evolved men to push the process of bringing about a change to a stage where change in viewpoint actually becomes a norm.

To understand it further, let’s see who made these statements or who are the people in question here:

The first statement is made by Mr Bachchan senior. He has a massive fan following because he is a brilliant actor. He also has people’s respect.

My question: Could a woman have given this statement and walked away with the same amount of respect and love and adulations and idol worship by the society?

The second statement was made about Late Mr Raj Kapoor. He is considered a great showman. his contributions in the world of cinema are immense. People love him. That’s getting his due for his talent. Respect.

Now, he in his personal life had many affairs and hardly made any efforts to hide them. Inspite of all this, his wife always remained by his side. So, people respect her. Because she stood by her husband.

Now the question is, would a woman be getting her fair share of dues had she lived a life to that tune? Would her talent be still looked at objectively? Would her husband be admired for standing by her or the society would have laughed at a man who still sticks to his marriage and his wife inspite of her straying tendencies?

The last statement is made by Sanjay Dutt. In the movie Sanju, this whole unraveling of the number scene is dealt with a streak of comedy. Just wondering would the audience find humour in a scene where a woman in a light hearted manner divulged the number of men she has slept with and also confesses she cant remember the exact number? Would a movie be made on a woman, defending her stand, portraying her as a good at heart human being at the same time being unapologetic about the number of times and people she has had sex with?

This is the entitlement and superiority that most men are used to having. This phenomenon exists all over the world. But, should it? The sad part is, we are so conditioned right from the childhood that unless we are taught to question stereotypes and think out of the box, the societal conditioning is too strong to ignore and too woven in the fabric of the norms to get noticed. It would take immense awareness and a tendency to ask questions and challenge norms to bring about a shift in the mindsets.

So, next time if something feels not-so-right, a joke seems a bit inappropriate, a statement made by someone feels not in harmony with basic human equality and respect, just stop and think. Put a finger on what made you uncomfortable, identify the stereotype and then, QUESTION. Till the time questions are not asked, change would not come. So, question anything that disturbs you on a humane level.

Lets be aware, be alert and be sensitive so that gender equality is not just a concept as per the law but an actual reality in the hearts and minds of the masses.

Thought snippet ~ 2

If a section of population walks in constant fear of being touched,

If half the population develops an instinct to put their hands in front of their breasts to protect themselves while walking in a crowd,

If a gender makes plans, chooses colleges, takes up jobs, makes career choices keeping in mind the unsafe distance they would be required to commute,

If the choices a particular section makes are encouraged to be less ambitious as compared to the other section,

its a long walk to gender equality.

The so called society and their norms tend to pull a section down in the name of religion, country’s pride, family and honour.

So this is for anyone who feels things needs to change but the surroundings tend to plant a seed of doubt in the mind. Keep moving, keep fighting, keep questioning till we can walk, talk and choose without any pressures and judgements.

To those who dare

Malaika Arora’s name dropped Khan a while ago. Since then, she moved on, her ex husband moved on but it seems the society’s guardian angels couldn’t move on.

They couldn’t fathom the fact that a woman and a man who lived together for almost 2 decades, had a child, could separate amicably and the woman didn’t cut a sorry figure at all. In fact, she remained poised. She chose to live with dignity, chose her path on her own terms and she found love again. And if all this wasn’t enough to shake up the angel nest, the woman is not ashamed to express that love, embrace the glow that love brings with it and doesn’t shy away from being happy.

Now now now. THAT is way more than any of the angels guarding our society can handle. It shatters our culture. It questions our traditions. It gives the woman the title of an individual rather than wife of/ daughter of/ mother of. And that, is a scary situation.

So, what do the self employed minions of the guardian angel brigade do? They troll. Yes, the mighty keyboard warriors attack the woman from behind fake accounts and super filtered insecurity laden display pictures.

Every single time the woman posts anything on Instagram, she gets abused, insulted, is name called. I am posting with this article some of the comments the woman got. They go from speculating if her vagina needs tightening, whether her boobs are perky and if they are, how on earth can that be because she is a mother and was married to someone. Almost every 4th comment is from a preacher. I would call these people the Desi Gyan Babas who advice Malaika Arora on how to dress, how to behave, how to laugh, how to live, how to breathe, how to have sex.

I have been following Malaika Arora for a while now on Instagram. I noticed the abuses a while back. I kept seeing them. I kept reading abusive comments and kept thinking how this woman finds the strength to live and dares to be happy even after getting such hatred. Then, I tried telling myself maybe it isnt so bad. So I did a little experiment. I picked up random pictures of hers. I scrolled down their comment sections and bam! Every picture that she posts ends up getting comments on her body parts and her sex life. Every single one. But why?

It seems most of the people and here men and women both are included, are obsessed with women who dare. Bringing down such women is the sole pillar it seems on which the culture of the entire society rests. A woman who is not meek, submissive, doesn’t bow down to patriarchy and has courage more than there are female centric abuses, is a great threat to our nation.

Forget about our neighbours. Forget about our foreign policies. The whole future of our mighty nation it seems, rests in controlling women’s vaginas.

I have never seen men getting trolled for choosing to move on. I have never seen men getting subjected to abuses of this calibre for dating a younger female. I haven’t come across a single forum where people target the man’s ability to have an erection and satisfy his partner because he was once married to another female. Divorced men are never considered worn out. They are considered pros. So when they move on from one relationship to another, they aren’t burnt out. They are more practiced. But, it seems in case of women, once a man sleeps with her, her life should revolve either around him or being sad if they break up and never have another intimate relationship because hey, burnt out, remember?

This post is dedicated to all the women who dare. To all the women who choose to move ahead. To all the women who don’t settle for anything lesser than what they deserve. To women who choose happiness and to women who fight every single day to be themselves. To all the women who would get down to the battle field in future be it in their minds or in their lives.

Respect.

Thought snippets ~ 1

Our society encourages a woman to have an identity that depends on the relationships she has in life.

Wife of, Mother of, Daughter of.

Some of these roles are so over glorified that they almost become sacred. This indirectly further limits a woman’s freedom to these roles.

It seems the whole system conspires to take away the individuality of a woman.

But, why?

What would happen if women broke the shackles? If women are known first for who they are and then seen in context to the relationships they hold?

I think that would result in an insecure bunch of people questioning their own worth because too many people right now are feeding off of this attitude towards women and trying their best to make women believe they are lesser than the other sex.