A Vulgar Mind

A recent movie poster stirred sizable havoc in the media when people objected that the actor in question is spreading vulgarity, has indulged in a shameful act and most importantly, tried to malign the purity of the Indian culture. All this uproar in the media has in turn made people curious and a lot of inquisitive minds are “googling” up the poster. The so called “moral police” here have unwittingly done more good than harm by publicizing the movie and frankly, even if no further publicity is done by the movie team, they would be good to go because it’s not often that a “nude” movie poster makes a round in the headlines and it has definitely caught everyone’s attention.

Coming to the much talked about poster, the actor in the poster is standing with only a transistor modestly but effectively covering his vital parts. By vital parts, it is understood that the area referred to is between his legs since surprisingly, showing a man’s bare chest is not shameful or distasteful, gives no wrong impression to the young minds (as if young minds need a cue to make their fantasies run crazy) and is completely in harmony with the Indian culture.

Now is the time for a little flash back. The 80’s saw a famous ad campaign by a leading underwear brand. The ad shows a woman being harassed and a man coming to her rescue (predictable). What is not predictable is, the man who is dressed only in a bathrobe and a pair of underwear, jumps from a balcony to save the damsel in distress. But, what makes eye balls pop out is, the camera is placed at a strategic angle making sure that the entire jump is captured in full glory leaving very little to imagination. Needless to say, it is shown in slow motion to add to the dramatics of the heroic jump.

This was in the 80’s. Its 2014 today. There has been a good amount of “progress” in every field. There are numerous examples of men dressed in their underwear rather dressed only in their underwear in movies, advertisements, music albums etc. and has become a regular affair and not many eyebrows are raised while coming across such a scene or a still.

Back to the movie poster, the only thing that is disturbing about it is, the minds of the people looking at it and calling it vulgar because in literal terms and meaning, the poster “shows” nothing. So, people who see vulgarity are actually viewing it with their mind’s eye (talk about “the paradox of reality is that no image is as compelling as the one which exists in the mind’s eye”) and have an imagination running astray. Slapping a civil rights suit on the movie and terming it as shameful and a minister publicly dressing up the poster to show the true essence of Indian culture and protecting the actor’s image because he hosts a noble and socially beneficial talk show is an unintelligent act. In fact, the movie makers should in turn slap a case on the people calling the poster vulgar stating they have a vulgar mind and need to get the wild horses of their imagination under control and stop blaming others for their lack of self control and stop maligning the actor and the movie.

Moral policing is a word used and misused often in our society. Spreading morality is something that can be understood and is a welcome idea at any point of time. But, the question arises, what is the standard of morality of the so called moral policing imposed by some people? The objections that they voice now a days is tipping more towards curbing an individual’s choice and freedom and slapping the codes and the norms of the “Indian culture” highly misunderstood by these goons rather than trying to spread morality. A female politician faced the brunt of things when she advised people to think more about safe sex. The so called moral police promptly dived in blaming and accusing her of encouraging people to get physical outside of wedlock rather than thanking her for trying to spread awareness.

It is not moral to paint the face of a girl and a boy sitting in a park with black paint, not moral to punish and humiliate the young couples trying to go on a date and definitely not moral to stop a girl and a boy from meeting. It is not an offence to meet the opposite sex, not an offence to go on a date, not an offence (above a certain age) to get physical with someone, not an offence to be a transgender, not an offence to be gay. So, while talking about morality, one might ask, what happened to the simple concept of being a good human being?

Indian culture has almost become like a piece of item, picked up by whoever wishes to use it for their own benefit, trying to define it with their own standards of morality, adding aspects to it, tearing away what might not align with their school of thought and shoving it at everyone’s face and creating unpleasantness, forgetting it is the same culture which produced Khajurao and the sun temple of Puri, has a number of statues to its credit explicitly explaining and showing in detail what the moral police calls these days immoral. Are the moral police now planning to clothe the men and women immortalized in stone? Just a thought.

Papa

Every child while growing up has at least a few loud and aggressive arguments with his/her father. These arguments are nothing but a desperate attempt at establishing a perspective or showing to the father his child has grown and in some over confident cases, an attempt to show how a child has out grown him. In my opinion, fathers enjoy these arguments hell of a lot. They like seeing their child make reasons, establish their perspective, stumble, make amends and finally stand for what they believe in. The whole process though is not smooth and definitely not a rosy one, finally helps a child and forces him/her to understand their own self, build their personality apart from building an over view and helps them to finally realize a few years down the line how tolerant and how wise fathers actually are.
If I look closely at my life, I have always considered my father to be a walking encyclopedia, someone who has all the answers, knows everything and has immense knowledge. But, in spite of knowing the truth, I made it a point in my growing up years to defy him in whatever way I could starting from refusing to take his help in Philosophy which was one of the subjects in my graduation and something my father teaches and people love to get an understanding of from . I wanted to prove that I could do that on my own and I did. At that time I thought I had achieved nothing less than a roaring victory by studying the subject on my own and doing well but in reality I had made my father smile and made him proud. Fathers have a very unique way of influencing their children. At least mine had. He annoyed me, made me frustrated, made me crazy but also pushed me hard into getting what I believed in and finally made me realize who I am.
A child’s relationship with the father goes through a number of stages. From being not so close to them, to being in awe of them, to finding a father’s perspectives and ideas nonsense, to finding those ideas not so bad and to finally befriending the father. Fathers play a more quiet role in our lives. They are fiercely protective but never make that obvious, they love it when their children make an argument and logically defeat them, they want to send their children out in the world but not without giving them the taste of what life really is, by giving them a bit of a hard time at home first and are constantly looking out for their children no matter what. A role that shapes us , defines who we are and helps us to stand for what we believe in and all that is done in a very discreet and subtle manner.
Though the graph of a father in terms of everyday chores, taking care and affection is quite dormant, but sudden and vigorous activity can be seen and a father can suddenly metamorphose into a super dad if any harm and threat is sensed in the child’s life. Being a girl I can vouch for every frame of the movie Father of The Bride being completely true. It must be difficult taking the responsibility of being a dad, of teaching an infant how to walk, knowing someday the little kid would walk and would not need the support of the father who makes it his business to be protective and it must be the hardest for a father to give that final shove to the child he once carried in his arms into the world and to stand back and watch how he/she fares in the big bad world that he had prepared them so well for.

Gender Equality and Free Riders

Gender bias, stereotypical attitude and discrimination is embedded and is so deep rooted and enmeshed in our society, culture and environment that it is hard, very hard to identify when we come across one. It starts with very small things like pretty pink frocks for a girl and blue T-shirts for a boy.  Doll houses for a girl and battery operated cars and helicopters for a boy. Tears as an expression of sentiments for a female but a sign of weakness in case of a man. And it doesn’t stop here. It slowly seeps in the way we talk, the way we act, the way our personality forms. Like, a man is expected to walk in a certain way so that the posture and the gait clearly depicts strength and masculinity and any man walking in a dainty manner would quickly become the subject of ridicule and jibes. Similarly, a woman while walking is expected to walk in a straight line, to be delicate and any female not conforming to this would also be the subject of ridicule.

A person doesn’t have to be a feminist to oppose and voice their opinions when gender discrimination occur neither does one has to be a MCP to side with men. The situation in today’s world is bad. And things have been particularly bad for the females for a very long time now. The atrocities, the violence, the social norms and prejudices are centuries old and would hardly go away completely in the near future. The history is fresh with the mentions of the first woman doctor, the first time women got the voting rights, the first time army recruited women, the first time women could contest a government position, and the list is endless. Women have been pulled back, pushed into a corner where there is no escape route and made to spend their lives in a cocoon because the only “work” a woman is capable of is, to be a home maker. The child when born is the responsibility of a mother because the father of course, has got to perform the worldly duties. Be it education, opportunities, importance, decision making powers, women are considered a second class citizen.

On analyzing the situation, one aspect clearly shows women as the victims and men as the oppressors but, surprisingly, the other side shows how women are equally responsible for the situation in some cases. The truth in terms of the society is somewhat convoluted.

On one hand lie the blatant refusal and the sickening truth that stares us straight in the face clearly and without any qualms considering women to be inferior to men. On the other hand, there are women who are not oppressed, not subjected to violence and not treated as inferior, receiving the best of education, are free and independent  and still very strongly but in a subtle way are picking and choosing the stereotypes that suite them.

This write up is not for the ones who are oppressed, harassed and presented with hurdles in their lives. This write up is for the lucky few who have the means to change the things but choose not to because somewhere, deep inside they are sly enough to understand that not all stereotypes are troublesome.

It’s not easy being a man in a man’s world. A man is a son, a brother, a friend, a husband, a father. Right from the childhood a boy knows he has no other option but to succeed in life, to have a career and to support a family. His small boyish shoulders right from the beginning are laden with the weight and the pressure to become something, to be able to earn money because if he fails, he would not only be branded a failure in the society, but would also not be able to have a family life and most importantly, a wife.

It’s not easy for a woman either. She is a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother. Right from her childhood, a girl is often shown a dream where a charming prince would come sometime (preferably and ideally by the end of her teens) and would sweep her off her feet and she would then be living happily ever after. While growing up, a girl is shown a rosy picture of the life that awaits her. To have a career or not, to become something or not is often given to her as a choice since it is believed that a girl would hardly ever marry a man not as successful as her own self because ultimately, it’s a man’s job to support a family and not the other way around.

For some women who have the economic independence to make decisions and life choices, male chivalry like paying the restaurant bills, opening the doors for them, being the main person in the household to bear the expenditures and not using the wife’s income, actually plays out to be a benefit rather than an annoying stereotypical approach. There is a term MCP widely and joyously used for men who think of women as lesser beings and we all are aware of that. The question arises, what is the term used for women who use such an approach to project themselves as a weaker sex and reap the benefits out of it?

Women are considered an epitome of love, care and sacrifice. There is no reason to believe that men as living beings lack these specific traits. It’s a matter of opportunities, a matter of independence, a matter of chance. Gender does not make a person an oppressor, power does. And power can be misused by both men and women equally. If a parallel universe is imagined, with women oriented norms, placing them on a pedestal, all the abuses and insults faced by women today would then be faced by men.

Equality is a great principle and ideal. When a person, be it a man or a woman claims to believe in it, that point onward, there is no looking back. Equality doesn’t come with the husband or a male friend not objecting to the kind of clothes their partner wears, where they choose to work, what time they come back from work, supporting their decision not to change the surname, not pressurizing them to have a child and once a child is born, taking equal responsibility for the same. Equality in case of certain able women can only come into practice when they too take equal responsibilities in paying off the loans, not expecting men to open doors for them especially when they are perfectly capable of doing so, not always expecting expensive gifts from husbands and partners but also gifting them a few, understanding that a house hold is run by two people and not one, respecting the laws supporting women, which were brought into place because a large number of women were being oppressed, facing problems and hurdles, laws that were meant to act as a shield protecting the rights of a woman not to be confused with a weapon to take undue advantage of men.

We have all heard the phrase “be a man!” being used to make a man stand up and take responsibilities. It’s time we start telling the same to the women who choose the easier path, to stand up and “be a woman”, take up the responsibilities, stop using the gender stereotypes for your benefit and since you are fortunate enough to be able to be making these choices, set an example so that women who are actually oppressed can take you as an inspiration and the men who are in a way being exploited can breathe a sigh of relief.

Love Thy Self

The world is full of stereotypes. A girl is expected to be dainty, delicate, pretty and most importantly, slim. Likewise, a mother must be corpulent, homely, must cook well and should be an epitome of love and sacrifice. A wife should be traditional, bearing all the symbols of being married and her demeanor should be such. There are opinions on the ideal way a woman should behave in, ideal body that a woman must have, there is scrutinizing the figure, the size, the curves and there’s judging. People see someone dressed or looking a bit different and instantly form an opinion. Most of us spend almost all our life trying to fit in, trying to be appropriate and trying to mould ourselves in a particular role that we think the world expects out of us.

Then to add to the misery of a woman there are these advertisements that have porcelain faced and beautiful bodied models showing the horrifying wrath some wrinkles can bring upon your married life and how gaining some extra pounds can actually lead you to be somewhat invisible in your husband’s life and to win him back you must have that perfect body and that wrinkle free flawless face shown in the advertisement.

The concept of “anti-aging” and “looking younger” and only perfect bodied and flawless skinned women gaining attention and getting love and even professional success is slowly getting embedded in the way most people think, the way we act and finally puts some extra pressure on a woman. Nowhere have I seen the simple concept of a woman being happy and thus looking radiant or a woman not having the perfect curves, not having the porcelain skin and still being loved, adored by her husband and respected by her children or getting her due professionally.

To me, every fold, every curve, every wrinkle, every bulge has a story to tell. Those extra pounds may tell the story of a sweet tooth, the much scrutinized stomach bulge might be the result of a pasta night well enjoyed, that wrinkle might be the worry for a loved one, the skin is not that perfect maybe because instead of spending time on herself, she chose to cook that special dinner for the family.

It doesn’t take a young woman to turn heads, it doesn’t take a Greek goddess to catch people’s attention and it doesn’t take a size zero to make people love her. All it takes is how happy she feels from within. It is happiness that catches the attention of people, that’s contagious, that makes someone stand apart from the rest and being happy with one’s own self is not all that difficult either. What it takes is a little bit of faith and a few ounces of confidence to realize that the only place where true happiness actually lies is within our own self. The more we try and make it a synonym for something or someone, the more distant it becomes.

There is no other being like the person you are and every person is a unique creation. A creation that should be loved, respected and cared for bearing in mind no one would be generous enough to grant all these if you don’t think of yourself to be worthy of them. Be someone who has the freedom to be able to choose to look and feel the way you want, someone who is happy having the flaws, is perfectly content in the little imperfections that life has and finally emerges as a happy individual. The world out there is not as friendly as you would want it to be, it’s neither as forgiving as you would like it to be and neither does it care for reasons. Life is too short and rushes by us and the best way to sail through is to live it to the fullest, to be unabashedly happy and to be unapologetic about the way you are.